Hard to Love

I have read somewhere that the people who loves you when you have money don’t deserve you. Those who have loved you when you are nothing are those who deserve your everything.

Me and my family, we are one of the living proof of how people love and bow to you because they benefit from you. When that stops and you are left with nothing, they’re all gone…in a snap.

People love to receive, yet it pains them to give. All those we thought would give us a hand the same as we had given them wants nothing to do with us. Relatives, family and friendship had set a totally different definition in my vocabulary. (You know what I mean)

I sometimes blame my parents for making the wrong decisions that had put us in difficult times. But I will always thank God for giving me such parents who always love to give no matter what their circumstances are.

I am still grateful, for this life, for these challenges we have to face every single day. We may have lost everything right now, but deep in my heart I know, God will provide all the things I need and He will give back more than what we lost.

We just have to be patient and strong to endure all the hardships waiting for us. We are learning a lot. And I know I will be more loving and giving than I was before and now, because I have experienced how having more than enough and having nothing in my pocket feels like.

I am hard to love right now, because I have nothing to offer. I’ve been selfish of my trust because of how some people used our resources for their own personal advantage.

But to those who still love me and my family – Thank you! Those who have helped us, knowing they can gain nothing and would actually bring them inconvenience – My eyes and my heart cries to the Lord to bless you more every day. Trust that your kindness will never be forgotten. I am and will always be grateful to you and your family forever.

I promise myself to help those in need even if it brings me inconvenience. If I could do that just to help them a little, I will, because I know how it feels having no one. It is worse than having nothing.

***

Two years have passed yet everything feels surreal. Sometimes I wish that all this is just a nightmare I wanted to wake up from. That story that I will soon tell you, it is still a work in progress, if I were you, I’ll make sure that I’ll be on the protagonist side. Kidding!

I remember asking God to give me something to cry about during worship services, because all these people cry so hard that I would fake a cry because I feel outcasted. I would laugh about it now, and jokingly say “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” God listens, y’all.

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Stressing

I just feel so stressed in the past few weeks. I’m trying to de-stress by going back to the city that is dear to me, meeting my old friends- catching up, eating out with my cousins, killing myself with HIIT workouts- release the endorphin baby, and eating chocolates. Yet nothing is working. Why am I in this mess I did not create? At first I saw it as a challenge. It is pretty challenging, it excites me – honestly, but it burns me out. It kills me when I couldn’t think of a way out. I have done so many changes, some I am proud of, some I totally flunked. I know I have to forgive myself for my mistakes. Trust me, it is easier said than done. I am so close to giving up. But, no, I couldn’t give up, I cannot let my mother suffer anymore. I need to help her. “God will not give you a challenge you cannot conquer.” There should be a solution to all of this. I just need to figure it out.

***

 

Goodnight!

Hugs and kisses,

 

Kc

Wish you were here

When you were here,

I’m untouchable,

People confessed they were very careful not to hurt me,

just because I am your daughter.

All these privilege, gone, gone with you.

***

They took everything away from us, Pa.

Everything.

We are starting over again,

I know I can’t fail this time,

because I am your daughter.

Every day, I wish you were here.

I miss you, always.

Skilled Hands

We had a cake demo from one of our suppliers a few days ago. While I was watching how he pour the cake batter into the pan, my father’s skilled hands flashed into my mind.

I just realized that I miss watching my father bake. When I was young, I would wake up to find the kitchen table filled with baking materials, spatulas, a bowl of boiled icing, food colors, cake filling, cake, all waiting for my father’s skilled hands to put together a wonderful cake for a client.

His skilled hands moving into a rhythm as he work on his cake, which would make anyone stop whatever they are doing and watch closely as he work with his skilled hands.

Have you ever stop just to watch a baker bake?

Parting

I suddenly felt sad as we hug and bid our goodbyes earlier. Tito Carding “Coach” finally reached retirement due to old age and sickness. He’s been in service of our family business for 30 years (older than I am). He’s been a loyal and good friend of my father for the past 40 years and never left our side until today to spend the rest of his time with his family. My father had a lot of friends and relatives, but those who are true can be counted using my fingers, and Coach is one. I saw how hurt he was when my father passed away. His loyalty and hard work for our family will always be remembered and had left a mark in my heart.

Thank you, Coach! I will visit you, soon.

XOXO